Conversation: The Most Important Part of any Relationship

good communicator
Written by Aaron

How you start those serious relationship discussions doesn’t just predict how the conversation goes—it also predicts divorce after six years of marriage.

Something the duration of a relationship can accurately be determined by how the conversation goes. The future of a couple depends on how they can communicate their thoughts and feelings in a more diplomatic way, as well as listening attentively especially when there is a problem at hand to settle as good communicators do.

Communication on it own does not necessarily mean talking or putting points across with regardless of your interlocutor’s thought or emotion. A Good communicator knows how to listen and pays attention to the others persons emotion without putting out any negative vibes.

Now you talk with more positivity and calmness? Great! Its time to stop! Why? Because to improve a relationship, you first need to learn how to be a good listener. The Masters know how to listen. When their partners have a problem or there’s a problem at hand, they drop everything and listen non-defensively with empathy. From a study research, it is said:

In really bad relationships people are communicating, “Find somebody else to talk to when you’re in pain, when you’re unhappy, when you hurt, because i hate negativity. You deal with it on your own. They then proceed to “I’m busy, I’m really involved with my job, I’m really involved with the kids &c.” Whereas in good relationships, they have the model of, “When you’re unhappy, even if it’s with me, the world stops and I listen.”

And sometimes the best thing to do at the beginning of a relationship argument is to end it immediately. Why?

Let’s take a problem of a disliked behavior of your partner. Asking them to harmonically change isn’t going to work, instead, it will make them rather angry. Such Problems are perpetual and won’t be resolved.

Good communicators learn to accept what will not change and focus on the positive. They focus on the positive aspect rather than always clinging to the negatively of their partner which by no means will ever change. Be an active listen and focus on the positive aspects of your partners rather than forcing to change them. Just LISTEN!

Here are the basics of active listening:

  1. Don’t interrupt, disagree or “evaluate their words. Listen to what they say”
  2.  Ask questions that show you’ve been paying attention, which also moves the discussion on a good forward pace.
  3. Without being awkward, repeat back the gist of what they just said, from their frame of reference.
  4. Nod and make brief acknowledging comments like “yes” and “uh-huh.”

So what six techniques do the masters use to move their relationship to the next level?


1. Paraphrasing

This technique, in another school of thought can be termed as parroting. The good listeners are great paraphrasers. The use of this technique helps you discover what’s important to your interlocutor, and it also helps them find the need to understand their words whether they make sense or not.

During the process of a conversation, repeat what the other person is saying back to them. Its shows you understand and not just merely parroting. Listening to what the other side is saying and feeding it back to them can be a kind of discovery process for you both.


2. Petty Boosters/ Encouragers

This can be termed as brief statements or simple phrase which helps in making the one you are conversing with know you’re listening and so to keep them talking.

Relatively small or simple phrases, such as “yes,” “wow,” “O.K.,” or “I see,” effectively communicate the idea that the negotiator or the listener is paying attention to the subject. These petty responses encourage the subject to continue talking, and bit by bit release more control of the situation to his/her interlocutor.

3. Mirroring/Mimicking

Mirroring works like paraphrasing but this time, you only repeat the last word or the last phrase. Doing this makes the other side know you’re listening and engaged. This is very simple and works great — just repeat the last word or two.

For instance, a subject may declare, “I will leave for the festival on Tuesday” to which the negotiator can respond, “On Tuesday, huh?”


4. Ask open-ended questions

Asking open-ended question will not land you to a yes/no answer. Everybody wants more than a yes/no answer, we all want them to open up. But something’s our choice of questions limit our answers to just a word.

To get an open answer, you need to show interest. Showing interest in your interlocutor moves a conversation forward and extend answers to a more opened frame. Let you questions be non-judgmental which will likely lead to more information. A good open-ended question would be, “Sounds like you visited the heavens. Tell me how it all happened.”

A poor response on the other hand would be, “where is the bike? What kind? What happened?” &.c. This forces the subject into one-word answers, and also gives the impression that the negotiator is more interested in the bike than the man. It communicate a sense of urgency which defuses tension rather than building it.


5. Emotional Labeling

When your interlocutor talks of his/her bad experience of being left alone, a poor response would be “You don’t have to feel that way. After all if he was messing around on you, he was not worth the energy.” This approach is judgmental and it tells the subject how not to feel. It probably minimizes the subject’s feelings, which are a major part of who he/she is. It is Subtractive Empathy.

On the other hand, a good use of emotional labeling would be, “You sound pretty hurt about being left. It doesn’t seem fair.” This approach recognizes the feelings without being judgmental. It underlies the anger your interlocutor feels and adds the idea of justice to his/her message. Don’t comment on the validity of the feelings. This will make them totally mad, but rather show them you understand by using an empathetic response or approach.


6. Silence

In the process of pausing or employing silent helps to encourage someone to keep talking and also helps to defuse things when people get emotional. Every good communicator knows when to employ silent and when to talk. Silence speaks louder than words.

By using silence, it makes a conversation or argument one-sided. The most emotionally distraught subject will find it difficult to sustain that feeling. By remaining silent at the right time, your interlocutor will return the conversation to a meaningful dialogue in no time. Thus, by remaining silent at a specific situation, negotiators actually can move the overall negotiation process forward.

To improve your relation with others and also everyone you meet, you have to be a good communicator. As labeled above, communicating is solely based on being a good or active listener. Many relationship problems  move from bad to worse because of  the lack of communication. Use these step to re-ignite the fires that went out, get back and settle the dispute between you and your partner by listening to them. Every relationship problem has it solution, and it can only be achieved by simply adapting the ability to listen- the first step.